Dying For Fame And Fortune

by: Tom Attea

SadHardly a week goes by where we do not see the face of a hitherto anonymous person achieving instant fame and misfortune by killing someone or committing some other certainly punishable act.

We suspect a deep need on the part of many of these desperate people, living under the weight of their own underachievement, to break free and make a statement about their own existence – knowing that a particularly heinous crime is the royal road to the ego distinction they seek, even if it costs them their lives.

We believe the media unwittingly act as accomplices in the desperate drive for distinction of these offenders by the routine way photographs of the criminals and reports of the details of their lives are immediately spread around the world, as if they were suddenly among the most important citizens of the world.

We suggest that the media immediately cease from this practice and refuse to publish the photographs of people who commit horrible crimes. The acts can and should be reported in simple notices, such as those that appear on any police blotter.

This revision will remove much of the incentive to fame and misfortune from these potential loose cannons.

Two results can be expected. First, far fewer of these miscreants will risk their lives in an attempt to seek what little satisfaction they can expect in terms of instant acknowledgement, and a great many who were contemplating heinous crimes will decide to commit minor infractions instead, because those guilty of minor infractions should still be able to have their photos appear in local media.

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Prime Minister Of Iraq Visits Washington; Promises To Buy New Shaver

by: Tom Attea

Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki made his first visit to Washington, where he met with President Bush, who noted that, despite the Prime Minister’s efforts to shave every day, he has a persistently dark and generally unelectable stubble.

Mr. Maliki admitted the difficulty and agreed that he would make every effort to buy a new shaver.

In a later address to both Houses of Congress, the Prime Minister, when pressed by various members of the Senate about his real position in regard to his stubbornly resistant facial hair, assured them, “I have every intention of achieving a clean shave, but, let me tell you, with a tough beard like mine, it’s a real challenge.”

Later, talk devolved into what brand of shaver he should buy, with the disagreement raging over what would be the best way to tackle the explosive growth of his beard.

Republicans were generally in favor of a Remington, with Bill Frist stating, “I think you’ll like the straight edge. It’s an admittedly conservative shape but quite effective. I’ve used it for years.” He then held his face forward for al-Maliki to rub his hand over his cheek and verify the closeness of his shave, and Maliki could not help but give him a good-natured slap of congratulations for hairy achievement.

Meanwhile, Democrats came down decidedly for Norelco.

Senator Joseph Lieberman noted, “I like the

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Ettiquette

by: Carol Dorman

Etiquette

Etiquette – such a pretty word. The very sound of it is classy – the kind of word you’d take home to meet Mother for a spot of tea and scones! Even its look, when written down is so “haute chic”. It must be good.

There are many forms of etiquette. Here are just a few I prepared earlier.

Wedding Etiquette: Don’t tell the bride your invitation never came – just assume she already knows and turn up anyway.

Restaurant Etiquette: USE THE SILVERWARE – DON’T STASH IT and strive to give the impression that French/Italian/Chinese/ whatever the cuisine speciality is/ is actually your first language (so never, I repeat, NEVER act surprised when your ordered dish arrives)

Table Etiquette: As above, except for the language bit. It should be noted, however, that “At-home-table Etiquette” allows for relaxing the silverware principle whenever the cricket’s on telly.

Dating Etiquette: “Yes” means "Yes", “No” means "No" and “Maybe” means "Possibly, but really, well…. No.”

(“I’ll call you” and “Let me think about it” both mean “HELL, NO!”)

Teenage Etiquette: Whatever Thorpie does because…Like, you know, it’s coz it’s really sick and stuff but don’t say anything coz that’d be really gay. Got me?

Ah, etiquette. Unpretentious, yet so powerful. One can sense when Etiquette enters the room. Heads turn, faces smile and all seems right with the world.

Extend that hand, embrace that small talk, master the subtle topic change and breathe again.

© Carol Dorman

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Woodward Publishes New Exposé: Names Secret Source “Deep Tragedy”

by: Tom Attea
Bob Woodward, the columnist for The Washington Post who famously wrote, with fellow journalist Carl Bernstein, an exposé on Watergate, for which the source of secret info became known as Deep Throat, has just published a new exposé on administration missteps in Iraq. Appropriately enough, the new source is labeled Deep Tragedy.

While Deep Throat eventually revealed his identity, as S. Mark Felt, a highly placed official at the FBI, the identity of Deep Tragedy has already been revealed as S. Common Knowledge.

The book, State of Denial, includes such tidbits as Bush saying, in November of 2003, “I don’t want anyone in the cabinet to say it is an insurgency. I don’t think we are there yet." He may not even think we’re there now.

In a promo interview on “60 Minutes," Woodward states that Henry Kissinger is advising the White House, which is common knowledge among the residents who live near the former secretary’s home and deal with the regular roar of entering and exiting helicopters.

He says Kissinger has advised Bush and Cheney that in Iraq “Victory is the only meaningful exit strategy.” Woodward goes on to infer that Kissinger is trapped in the past, which, it seems to us, offers little escape for anyone. "This is so fascinating. Kissinger's fighting the Vietnam War again because, in his view, the problem in Vietnam was we lost our will."

The book contains numerous other revelations of uncertainty and infighting in the Bush administration. Apparently, even George Bush’s dad was losing sleep, worrying about the invasion.

Yet it’s a bit late in the game for more finger-pointing. There’s just too much hindsight at play to lend much originality to even the most intrepid effort to get at the truth.

What is really needed is not stirring anew the pot of common knowledge but uncommon insight. Not continuing denial, but decisive acceptance. We must either convince the insurgents that their murderous tactics cannot win by decisive action against them or we should begin a well-gauged departure and leave them to bewail the state of their own self-maimed country.

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People in Your Office are Morons!

by: Jason Myers
Every day in every office, someone is misunderstood. It’s the consummate struggle in every office…communication. Could it be that communication is such a challenge because secretly we want to be misunderstood? Could it be that we survive in the workplace by being cryptic and intentionally misunderstood? Maybe if people understood what we really meant, they wouldn’t like it very much.

To break it down to the root of the communication issue, clearly a mismatch exists between what is said in the workplace and what is really meant. Perhaps, it’s because we are all programmed to be “politically correct”. Perhaps we are trying to cover-up our own inadequacies. Perhaps, it’s because we are programmed to “put lipstick on the pig”. Perhaps, we just relish the fun of trying to keep everyone around us guessing.

Let’s take a look at how the office functions today. We stroll around exchanging pleasantries with co-workers, bosses and the people we manage. We exchange thoughts, in private, during one-on-one conversations with our co-workers. We sit in meetings of endless conversation, as we strive to understand what is being said. We filter through piles and piles of emails with conversation chains a mile long. We endure performance reviews where our boss gives us their always valuable input and assessment.

Have you ever had a pleasant conversation with someone at the office and walked away feeling as if you might have been missing something? The look on their face, the tone of their voice – did they just insult you with pleasant conversation? After all, the slightest change in the tone of your voice can deliver a swift slap across the face with a simple “hello!”

Like a meticulously choreographed dance, most conversations in the office take place in our thoughts, not our spoken words. So we decided to take a look at real conversations to find the real meanings.

Let's face it, based on the conversations you have everyday at the office - the people you work with are morons.

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France and America Agree On An Issue; Both Nations Declare National Holiday

by: Tom Attea

Mark this date on your calendar: August 8, 2006. It was on this day that the rarest diplomatic event of modern times took place. France and America agreed on something, specifically, the wording of the resolution before the UN on the cessation of hostilities between Israel and Hezbollah.

Since the event is unlikely to be replicated in the foreseeable centuries, henceforth on this celebratory date Americans are once again permitted to enjoy French wine and brie, while the French may without guilt indulge in California wine and Hollywood entertainment.

Fireworks and lightshows are planned in both nations.

Commenting on the event, President Bush said, “I like it. I feel good. One day I may even visit France. In fact, Laura bought me some CD’s with French lessons on them, so I can listen and learn while I ride my bike.”

On the other side of the Atlantic, President Jacques Chirac showed up at a press conference, wearing a cowboy hat and cowboy boots, and announced, “Today I am an American, but, please, only for today. Perhaps in years to come, when I become more used to the amity that will be marked on this highly unusual occasion, I will consent to wear spurs. But for now the cowboy hat and boots will have to suffice.”

With that, he hefted his hat and waved it to the cameras, looking for all the world as close as he ever will to George Bush, waving his own wide-brimmed chapeau in Crawford.

It seems that, while Washington had his Lafay

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Are Prank Calls Legal in the UK & Ireland?

by: Luke Carter
That's the question many pranksters are asking, especially given the recent rise in celebrities such as Russell Brand appearing in the media for prank calling offenses.

Information on the legality of making prank calls is very confusing, mainly because they are a collection of conflicting views. So let's clear that up...

Prank Call Myths:

* Prank calls are illegal
* You cannot prank call someone at random
* Recording a prank call is not allowed

Prank calls are perfectly legal as long as you understand the specific boundaries in place and why they are there. The regulations are very simple, but require you do not act in breach of them as you can be reported for various different violations.

What's Not Allowed:

* Making threats and saying abusive things
* Recording a prank call containing personal information and making it public without the consent of the person involved as this violates their data protection rights
* Impersonating a person of legal authority, for example a police officer
* Prank calls made to emergency services with false information
* Repeat calls to the same person may be grounds for malicious calling as it may cause distress

In short, prank calls are legal as long as you stick to the basic rules above. Usually the best prank calls consist of winding up someone in order to cause humiliation.

These sort of pranks are a lot more satisfying when played on someone you know, as you will be able to hear their reactions and make fun of them for a long time to come!

As a telecom provider of prank call services, we are governed by strict laws regarding the content of our prank calls, so we can guarantee that you can have the most fun with the most peace of mind.

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Are Prank Calls Legal in the UK & Ireland?

by: Luke Carter
That's the question many pranksters are asking, especially given the recent rise in celebrities such as Russell Brand appearing in the media for prank calling offenses.

Information on the legality of making prank calls is very confusing, mainly because they are a collection of conflicting views. So let's clear that up...

Prank Call Myths:

* Prank calls are illegal
* You cannot prank call someone at random
* Recording a prank call is not allowed

Prank calls are perfectly legal as long as you understand the specific boundaries in place and why they are there. The regulations are very simple, but require you do not act in breach of them as you can be reported for various different violations.

What's Not Allowed:

* Making threats and saying abusive things
* Recording a prank call containing personal information and making it public without the consent of the person involved as this violates their data protection rights
* Impersonating a person of legal authority, for example a police officer
* Prank calls made to emergency services with false information
* Repeat calls to the same person may be grounds for malicious calling as it may cause distress

In short, prank calls are legal as long as you stick to the basic rules above. Usually the best prank calls consist of winding up someone in order to cause humiliation.

These sort of pranks are a lot more satisfying when played on someone you know, as you will be able to hear their reactions and make fun of them for a long time to come!

As a telecom provider of prank call services, we are governed by strict laws regarding the content of our prank calls, so we can guarantee that you can have the most fun with the most peace of mind.

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How To Cope When You Are Surrounded By Idiots

by: Ben Goode
Are the idiots in your life driving you crazy? Do you often feel like you are surrounded by idiots? Have you ever wondered if YOU are an idiot? Do the idiotic C.Y.A. instructions on the packaging of most products you buy these days make you feel like the world must think you are an idiot?

The following article contains lessons on stupidity. They cover things you should pretty much never do. There are many, many more lessons we could add, such as not floating face down in the septic tank or not applying your own tattoo with a wood burner and lead-based house paint, but these are normally material for a post-graduate stupidity course. You probably shouldn't attempt to comprehend these high-level concepts until you have mastered the more basic skills.

Experience has shown that the louder you yell the principle to the idiot pupil in question the better the procedure works. (OK, a little honesty here would probably be good. The truth is, shouting the lessons probably won't have much of an effect on the idiot, because as we all know, he/she is an idiot, but it will probably make you feel a little better).

Here are a few suggestions that could change your life if you are someone who is struggling with idiots in your life. If you are an idiot, try to find someone to read these principles to you and then apply them. If you are 1. You should never try to lick the bottom of the blender while the blades are still turning.
2. Never drink quarts of vinegar while eating boxes of baking soda.
3. Never clean up nitro-glycerin or unstable nuclear waste with a vacuum cleaner.
4. Never let friends hit you over the head with a baseball bat unless you are wearing a good helmet.
5. Never adjust your TV antenna during a lightening storm.
6. You shouldn't smoke while siphoning gasoline.
7. Don't microwave dynamite.
8. Never dry your hair with a blow torch.
9. Never pick your scabs while swimming with sharks.
10. Never hang glide during a hurricane.

surrounded by idiots or if you have a loved one who has idiotic tendencies, you will probably want to teach these principles to the idiots in your life. You never know. It might just help.

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Are Prank Calls Legal in the UK & Ireland?

by: Luke Carter
That's the question many pranksters are asking, especially given the recent rise in celebrities such as Russell Brand appearing in the media for prank calling offenses.

Information on the legality of making prank calls is very confusing, mainly because they are a collection of conflicting views. So let's clear that up...

Prank Call Myths:

* Prank calls are illegal
* You cannot prank call someone at random
* Recording a prank call is not allowed

Prank calls are perfectly legal as long as you understand the specific boundaries in place and why they are there. The regulations are very simple, but require you do not act in breach of them as you can be reported for various different violations.

What's Not Allowed:

* Making threats and saying abusive things
* Recording a prank call containing personal information and making it public without the consent of the person involved as this violates their data protection rights
* Impersonating a person of legal authority, for example a police officer
* Prank calls made to emergency services with false information
* Repeat calls to the same person may be grounds for malicious calling as it may cause distress

In short, prank calls are legal as long as you stick to the basic rules above. Usually the best prank calls consist of winding up someone in order to cause humiliation.

These sort of pranks are a lot more satisfying when played on someone you know, as you will be able to hear their reactions and make fun of them for a long time to come!

As a telecom provider of prank call services, we are governed by strict laws regarding the content of our prank calls, so we can guarantee that you can have the most fun with the most peace of mind.

Read more »

by: Tom Attea Remember the lifelong anxiety you’ve experienced, worrying about the crumbling of The Great Wall of China? Fret no more. Now, human

Remember the lifelong anxiety you’ve experienced, worrying about the crumbling of The Great Wall of China? Fret no more.

Now, humanity longest tribute to war-wrought paranoia will be on the mend. It seems the enterprising communist nation has an abundant new supply of materials to rebuild it with: The millions of lead-loaded toys, bibs and other children’s paraphernalia its cheapo manufacturers shipped off to Mattel and other toy makers, appalling mothers by the millions.

But, as Confucius say, “Toys made with lead paint eventually return to factory.”

Or, in a more contemporary vein, "From China with lead" is turning into "Back at you from America."

Even as you read this, the varicolored plastic remedy is tending its way toward its eternal destiny, as ships laden with returned Barbie Dolls, Mattel Cars, painted bibs and other infant delights steam toward their disgraced land of origin.

Of course, given the way rocks cobbled together have a way of returning to their place of origin, especially with the steady help of enthusiastic vandals, the ancient enormity has been falling apart almost since it was begun. In fact, today less than half of its 4,000 mile stretch still rises above elevation zero.

And Mao, economic moron that he was, didn’t help the matter. He was unable to envision the stone wonder of the world as anything other than a dispensable feudal curiosity, let alone a hot tourist attraction that could help prop up his decrepit state. So great swaths of it were pulled down and transformed into functional accoutrements of his workers paradise, such as dams, roads, and stone huts.

But now the new communist elite are in receipt of more than enough resilient material to restore the entire length of it.

Redone as a sort of land fill from toy land, the reconstructed immensity will, to the delight of state capitalists everywhere, become a greater wonder for tourists than ever. Imagine the colorful come-visit look of its renewed grandeur, compacted with a rainbow of plastic toys, out of which odd appendages and bumpers poke.

Should such an original method of rebuilding the wall ever become an architectural reality and surefire outrage, what might have become The Great Fall of China may be elevated to an enlarged source of latter-day Chinese prosperity.

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A Humorous Bow Hunting Story

A man and his friend were bow hunting elk in the Colorado mountains near Stoner Colorado. They rode their horse's from early morning until late evening. The high mountain terrain was very rough with tree's blown down and large boulders in the path. Their horse's had to step very carefully or chance breaking a leg.

With no sign of any elk the man told his friend that the elk must have all moved to the lower country. They decided to go down and try again the next day. The next morning the man and his friend decided to hunt closer to the town of Stoner.

They hunted most of the morning with no luck, the sky was clear and it was a beautiful day. As they got closer to the black top highway they saw a herd of cow elk. In the middle of the herd was the biggest bull elk you ever saw.

The hunter got down off of his horse and carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing on the highway below their stand.

The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I know." The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, I was married to her for 25 years."
by: Patty Pinkerton

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Washington Madam Names Clients; Who’s Next?

As if our fearless leaders in Washington don’t have enough to fret about, now Deborah Jeane Palfrey, a madam accused of running a prostitution business has, as part of her defense, vowed to make her list of clients public. Worse yet, she has begun to do so.

First on the roster was the high-ranking military strategist who coined the lamentable catchphrase “shock and awe.” He was so shocked and awed he resigned.

Dick Morris, the dapper and devious former advisor to Bill Clinton, made the hit list and quickly persuaded his lawyer to deny, deny, deny.

Then came Randall Tobias, the affable but suddenly shamed head of the Bush administration's foreign aid programs. He also resigned, and the madam was so touched she felt obliged to express her apologies.

How many more cowering gentlemen will be named?

Apparently, Deborah and her lawyers believe that the more careers they destroy, the more likely she is to evade a sentence that might prove excessive.

Prompted by the failure of her flawed assumption, she is on the verge of making her entire stock of names public.

So all Washington can only be atwitter with the question, "Who’s next?"

Apparently, a lot of revelations lie ahead. After all, the lady managed to keep approximately 250 lasses gainfully embraced.

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